MARTIN MUST GO • SEND HIM BACK TO CZECHIA • MARTIN HAS OVERSTAYED HIS WELCOME • DEPORT MARTIN • IH8MARTIN • GO HOME MARTIN • CZECH REPUBLIC IS CALLING • MARTIN MUST GO • SEND HIM BACK TO CZECHIA • MARTIN HAS OVERSTAYED HIS WELCOME • DEPORT MARTIN • IH8MARTIN • GO HOME MARTIN • CZECH REPUBLIC IS CALLING •
THE EVIDENCE
Photographic proof that Martin is a menace and must be removed immediately. Each image has been authenticated by absolutely nobody.
EXHIBIT A
Sits on law books like they're barstool furniture. Thinks a beret makes him European. Sir, you ARE European — that's the problem.
REJECTED
EXHIBIT B
Pretends to be qualified. Points at things aggressively like he's defending a dissertation in a language we can't understand.
DENIED
EXHIBIT C
Caught standing next to a closet. We're not saying what it means, but the sign is doing all the talking.
DEPORTED
TIMELINE OF TERROR
A chronological history of Martin's reign of destruction.
THE BEGINNING
Martin arrives from the Czech Republic and immediately makes it everyone's problem. Florida was not prepared.
EARLY CRIMES
Purchases first beret. A fashion choice that would haunt the community for years to come. No one asked for this.
THE SOCK INCIDENT
Acquires banana-print socks and begins wearing them to formal events. The local tailoring industry files a restraining order.
LAW LIBRARY INCIDENT
Squats on a stack of legal reference books like they owe him money. Several volumes of the Florida Southern Reporter were never the same.
THE GRADUATION GAMBIT
Shows up in a full graduation gown to what appears to be a courtroom. Points at things aggressively. Nobody knows what he's pointing at.
TODAY
Martin remains at large. The people of Florida demand justice. The Czech Republic has been notified. A website has been created.
THE CHARGES
A comprehensive list of Martin's crimes against humanity, the state of Florida, and common decency.
01.
Wears a beret unironically in the state of Florida
CRITICAL
02.
Sits on legal reference materials like they owe him money
HIGH
03.
Points at things aggressively during meetings
MEDIUM
04.
Stands next to suspicious signs and smiles about it
HIGH
05.
Has long hair and acts like it's a personality trait
MEDIUM
06.
Owns banana socks and wears them to formal events
CRITICAL
07.
Thinks wearing a graduation gown to a courtroom is business casual
HIGH
08.
Is from the Czech Republic and refuses to go back
CRITICAL
09.
Watches movies with subtitles and expects everyone else to
MEDIUM
10.
Pronounces it "Prah-ga" instead of just saying Prague like a normal person
HIGH
11.
Takes up two seats on the bus with his European attitude
MEDIUM
12.
His existence is a war crime under the Geneva Suggestion
CRITICAL
WHAT PEOPLE SAY
Real quotes from real people who have been personally victimized by Martin.
I saw him squatting on those law books and I just knew. I knew he had to go.
Anonymous Florida Resident — Boca Raton, FL
He pointed at me during a meeting once. I still don't know what he was pointing at. I've been in therapy ever since.
A Coworker — Fort Lauderdale, FL
Who wears banana socks to a formal event? Who does that? Martin. Martin does that. And it's not okay.
Concerned Citizen — Miami, FL
He kept talking about how great Czech beer is. Sir, we have Bud Light here. Show some respect.
Bartender — Delray Beach, FL
Martin showed up to my barbecue in a beret. A BERET. At a BARBECUE. In FLORIDA. I will never recover.
Traumatized Host — West Palm Beach, FL
Every time I see a Dolly Parton quote now, I think of Martin standing next to that sign. He's ruined Dolly Parton for me. That's unforgivable.
Dolly Parton Fan — Wilton Manors, FL
MARTIN vs. AMERICA
A side-by-side comparison proving Martin doesn't belong here.
Category
Martin
America
Headwear
Beret (always)
Baseball cap
Socks
Banana print
Plain white
Beer
Czech pilsner snob
Ice cold domestic
Language
Speaks Czech (?)
English
Legal System
Sits on the books
Reads the books
Points at things
Aggressively
Politely
Dolly Parton
Ruined her for us
National treasure
Graduation gown
Wears everywhere
Ceremony only
FREQUENTLY ASKED
Questions people have been asking about the Martin situation.
We don't actually hate Martin. This is a joke. But the beret thing is a little much, Martin. Come on.
Yes. And the Czech Republic is great. We're just joking about the deportation part. Please don't cancel us.
No. It's a fake counter that goes up by one every time you click it. We're very proud of this technology.
It's satire, which is protected speech. Also, we're not lawyers. We just sat on some law books once.
Nothing. The socks are innocent. But wearing them to a formal event? That's a crime against fashion and we stand by that.
You already did by reading this far. Thank you for your service. Now go outside.
HOW YOU CAN HELP
Every voice counts. Here's how you can join the movement to send Martin home.
📢
SPREAD THE WORD
Share this website with friends, family, coworkers, and anyone who will listen. Awareness is the first step.
Your signature is anonymous. Martin will never know it was you. Probably.
THANK YOU FOR VISITING • MARTIN'S DAYS ARE NUMBERED • IH8MARTIN.COM • CZECH REPUBLIC, PLEASE TAKE HIM BACK • THANK YOU FOR VISITING • MARTIN'S DAYS ARE NUMBERED • IH8MARTIN.COM • CZECH REPUBLIC, PLEASE TAKE HIM BACK •
